Josephine Hicks book signing
At the bedside of her partner who was dying of pancreatic cancer, Josephine Hicks experienced how friends grope for ways to be helpful, saying, “If there is anything I can do” … A small book with that as the title grew out of Ann Jones’ time of illness and death.
Speaking at All Souls, Sept. 15, in the parish hall, Hicks said, in effect, “don’t ask, just do something.” The Episcopal lay leader told of the helpfulness of friends who offered to take over care of the couple’s dog, tend to car maintenance, bring specific meals, etc.
Hicks, of St. Peter’s Church in Charlotte, said the diagnosis of Ann Jones’ particularly virulent form of cancer, “sent us spinning into a world we had never entered before. We were overwhelmed and overwrought.”
Friends said, “Let me know what I can do.” Hicks said, “That puts the burden on the ill to decide what to ask them to do. The best thing you can do is to offer to do something specific. It should be something practical, something easy for you to do.”
Some specifics were little gifts for the caregiver—garden flowers left on the porch at home, gift certificates to neighborhood restaurants, tote bags of stationery, puzzles and magazines to help pass the time at the bedside.
In her remarks to All Souls parishioners gathered to hear about and buy the book, Hicks quoted a friend who said, in situations of serious illness, “All phone calls are obscene.” In her own case, she said, “The phone calls drove me crazy. They awakened Ann, tied up the line when doctor’s calls were expected, required response.”
Instead of phoning, Hicks recommended that the patient be registered on a website called Caringbridge.com where friends can log in and get an update on the patient’s condition and leave a message of caring.
As for visits, Hicks said, “just show up” and don’t stay long. Understand you may be turned away. “Cards and handwritten notes are wonderful,” she said.
Assurances that the sick one is “in our thoughts and prayers” are more meaningful, Hicks said, if one asks, “How can I pray for Ann?”
Not helpful, Hicks said, are large floral arrangements delivered to the hospital (no room for them) and use of the words “fight” and “battle” to a person who is weak and exhausted. Finally, assurances that “You look great!” are not what the patient wants to hear. He or she knows better.
Lewis Sorrells of Accent on Books supplied copies of the book, If There is Anything I Can Do. Brian Cole introduced the speaker, saying her book “reflects on what is helpful and how we can be better caregivers.”